It’s About Time…

Brothers and sisters, it’s about time…

When I titled the blog post for today I was intending for it to mean “it’s about time” that I write another post, seeing as how it’s been over a year now since my last one. However, just that phrase… “it’s about time” can be applied to so much more in my life right now.

“It’s about time” that I woke up, really WOKE UP. Not in the sense that I’ve literally been asleep for the last year or so, but in the sense that I’m desperate for a new awakening in my soul. Since arriving back in the United States from South Africa last June, the Lord has been doing some major surgery in my heart. Especially last summer. Transitioning back home was perhaps one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever had to do in my life. While in South Africa I encountered God in a way that I’ve never encountered him before – at least not in such a powerful way.

To give a brief description of things, I was struggling a lot with feelings of failure, defeat, and worthlessness. I struggled because as I looked around, I saw people who were thriving, who knew who they were, who seemed to be so rooted in some elusive rock-solid identity. And here I was, realizing that my entire life had been spent striving to be someone that I wasn’t, and someone that I didn’t even want to be. I got a groaning in my spirit to just be who God created me to be…to know my true identity in Christ and begin to walk in it. But at the time I felt wholly inadequate, lost, and broken.

And it was in that hard time that several of my amazing friends from South Africa came around me and held me as the snot and tears rolled down. Even though I could barely speak because so much was going on in my head and heart, they desired to be with me. In my silence and in my pain, they took me in. And at the moment I felt least deserving of anyone’s care…they loved me. I experienced one of the most powerful demonstrations of God’s love and grace perhaps I’ve ever encountered. Because I realized that all along I’d been trying to earn their love and when I truly had nothing of value to offer and they loved me anyways, I got a glimpse of the Father’s heart.

I don’t know if you’ve ever glimpsed the Father’s heart, but it’s beautiful. It’s the sweetest thing you’ll ever taste and the most glorious thing you’ll ever set your eyes upon. There’s nothing that compares. It pours out a love that never changes and never fails, that can’t be earned, bought, or deserved. And I realized that much of my life has been spent seeking the love, approval, and acceptance of others, not realizing that I am already loved, approved, and accepted exactly as I am.

And it’s in the wondering of “how can this be? how can they still love me, still want to be with me, still give of their lives for me?” that I realized that love doesn’t make sense. Grace doesn’t make sense, at least in this world. When someone gives me something or does something for me, I always feel as though I need to give or do something in return. God’s love isn’t like that. He’s already loved me supremely and anything I do or say in response just delights the Father’s heart. Because when I’m receiving from the abundance of his heart and living and giving from that abundance rather than my own, He is glorified.

Long story short, I learned about the importance of community – the importance of the body functioning as it meant to function and the Church loving as Christ intended it to love. Why do you think he said, “Love your neighbor”? Because it re-presents HIS LOVE on earth. A love that is other worldly becomes manifest and people are able to encounter God through us. And that’s God’s heart. He wants to partner with us in the ushering in of His Kingdom! Wow, what a privilege! Seriously! Love your neighbor – why? Because it’s the nice thing to do? Because we want to be good people? No. Because it’s literally God’s chosen vehicle for expelling the darkness in this world and letting His Kingdom come, His will be done on earth as it is in heaven. 

So right now, even though the Lord has been teaching me all of these things, I still feel like I haven’t committed all the way. If I’m being real, I think the reason my spirit is groaning the way it is, is because I have been exposed to these TRUTHS, these realities of heaven and yet still act, speak, and operate in the realities of this world. Like a bird in a cage sitting on a perch. Inside the cage it has everything it needs to survive…air, water, and food. But the door is open. The birds are soaring high in the sky just outside and I’m too afraid to leave the comfort of my lifeless home, behind the bars where I’ve lived my whole life.

All I know is that I can’t stay in the cage. Someone once told me that sometimes you have to get more scared of staying where you are than going where you’re afraid to go – into the uncertainty, the fear, the wide expanse where our security is cut away. But let me tell you that I’d much rather live out there than in here the rest of my life.

SO: “It’s about time” that I spread my wings and fly! Even though I may not feel like I know how, I’m going to try. It’s about time for a new awakening because my spirit refuses to sleep while all He has, He’s given to me and all I have is His! There’s NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain!

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